


Where Shadows Begin

by Myhoniahaka



Series: Shadows [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Child Abuse, Confrontations, Death, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Heavy Angst, Kyuubi | Nine-tails | Kurama & Uzumaki Naruto Friendship, Minor Character Death, Rage, Trauma, Uzumaki Naruto Needs a Hug, Violence, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:46:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22410496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myhoniahaka/pseuds/Myhoniahaka
Summary: In the middle of the night, Naruto returns to the place where his nightmares began.
Series: Shadows [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1612813
Comments: 7
Kudos: 157





	Where Shadows Begin

**Author's Note:**

> So, this an sort of-not really sequel of Growing Up. Its occurs two years after the events of Growing Up. If you haven't read it, this might be a little confusing.

Moonlight shimmered down on the old building, casting an eerie glow that seemed fitting for a place such as this. Naruto blinked when the familiar wetness of tears stung his eyes. He didn't want to cry now, not at a place like this, and not ever again. So he clutched the stuffed dolphin to his chest. He'd brought it for comfort, but even though his stuffed toys helped him more than most people ever would, tonight, they just made him feel empty.

It was a mistake to come. He knew that the moment the idea infiltrated his mind. But he didn't listen to his mind—didn't listen to anything his body told him. Because even as his breathing hitched and his hands trembled, Naruto still listened to the idea, to that hidden voice that told him he was never good enough. He listened despite Tsunade telling him that the voice was always wrong.

But the voice was himself, his _own_ thoughts, so how could it possibly be wrong?

He heaved a deep breath. There were kids inside the building. They would be sleeping by now. And Naruto wouldn't recognize any of them because all of his orphanage friends—if they could be called that—grew up and moved out of this hellmouth.

And that was good, because at least at some point in all their lives, they got out.

The orphanage had always been dark and eerie at night, just as it was now, but while there was a fraction of cleanliness before, there wasn't a hint of it now. Bugs crawled in and out of the cracks in both the walls and the doors. A rotting smell got caught in the breeze, and it was so raw that Naruto crinkled his nose. He wondered what it looked like inside—if the caretaker still gave cookies to only a few children—or if Carelady had been fired. After the incident where Naruto found Sasuke helping her, he never went back, and never talked about it.

He hoped she was gone now, because Carelady was a terrible caretaker.

He squeezed the stuffed dolphin tighter. He didn't know why he came here, but maybe he should go inside, see for himself if things were better or worse. It was possible that the smell came from another building, and the bugs crawling around were a temporary infestation that would soon be taken care of.

Yes, that had to be it. A small infestation, a smell from a different building.

No one would let children live in a place like this. It wasn't safe and it wasn't normal. Surely an orphanage would be regulated more.

_I should leave._

But even as he thought it, even though he didn't want to go inside, his legs carried him forward until he was at the wooden doors.

He recalled a day, years ago, where Naruto came to Sasuke's place in the middle of the night for a confrontation. He'd been so hesitant to open the door that even Kyuubi got fed up.

But Kyuubi was silent now, because this wasn't like last time. It wasn't Sasuke who stood behind this door. It was the fragments of his nightmares.

He wanted to hear Kyuubi's voice, just so he knew he wasn't alone, but Kyuubi stopped talking to him when Naruto refused to get help two years ago.

He curled his hand around the doorknob and swallowed. It jiggled as he held onto it, and Naruto wondered how many break-ins they got or how underfunded this place was for a doorknob to be so loose. Even his apartment, which was the cheapest and most run-down place Naruto could find, had sturdy doors and walls. No bugs ever crawled under the doors, and no smell ever ripened the building unless Naruto left his food to rot.

He should leave before he made an even bigger mistake by opening these doors. He didn't want to see what was inside, the condition that the kids lived under. He didn't want to see that Carelady was still running the place.

But he opened the door, anyways.

The smell hit him first. It was so ripe that Naruto stumbled back and almost punched himself in the face as he covered his nose. A mixture of rotten food and urine and vomit. He wanted to run outside and vomit from the smell alone, but although his stomach churned with nausea, he couldn't go back. He _should_. He knew that. Sasuke would have his head if he knew Naruto was breaking and entering, and Tsunade would find a suitable punishment, one that was neither too harsh nor too light. But there were kids inside, and he needed to know who was responsible for this kind of living arrangement.

_Go to Tsunade. Ask her to take care of it._

If she knew what those kids were living in, she would kill Carelady herself.

If it _was_ Carelady. It could be someone else, someone worse.

Because when Naruto lived here, Carelady at least made the kids clean up after themselves.

He kept his hand over his nose as he shuffled forward. He wanted to see who it was, to know if it was the same person, and her office was only in the next hall. She shouldn't be here this late at night. But maybe there were pictures or something that told him that it was Carelady. So he headed to the next hall, shuffling over all the toys and food and liquids that surrounded these floors. It was absolutely disgusting, inhumane, and Naruto couldn't for the life of him understand why anyone would let it get this bad.

The hallway was only slightly better, but only because Carelady didn't like having any of the kids in the hallway, so it was cleaner, more sanitary.

And under the cracks of her office door, a light shrouded through.

His breath hitched. That—that wasn't possible. Carelady never stayed this late. _Never_. She was always gone by eight. And right now, it was the middle of the night, almost three in the morning. So, she wasn't supposed to be here.

_Turn around. Leave. Never come back._

He knocked on the door instead.

It was several seconds before he heard anything. Heavy footsteps, the doorknob jingling, and the sound of a door splitting open. He clenched his eyes shut, not wanting to see, not wanting to look. It wasn't worth it. _It just wasn't worth it_. Whether it was Carelady or someone else… it didn't matter, because Tsunade would have the caretaker's head once she caught word of this.

"Never thought I'd see you again."

The words were a slow drawl, almost slurred, and Naruto could smell the alcohol on her breath. His breath grew heavy and loud, just as they did in the past every time something went horribly wrong in his life.

He should open his eyes, confirm that it really was her.

But he didn't want to.

_Turn around. Leave. Never come back._

He opened his eyes.

"You need something? I'm busy here."

A whimper died in his throat when he saw her face. Where her skin was once clear, it now had wrinkles over her forehead and cheeks. Her brown hair was pulled into a messy bun, clothes a typical t-shirt and jeans. Nothing special, nothing that screamed monster. But it was her. The same woman who beat him for the purpose of teaching him a lesson, who had him clean this dump until the late hours of the night, who hurled her fists at him when he least suspected it.

His chest constricted into something so tight he couldn't breathe. It wasn't anger. No. Naruto found that anger dissipated over the years, replaced by a numbness that he couldn't be rid of. And for the first time in a long while, he wondered if he could summon that anger again. So he cocked his head to the side, focused on everything this woman had ever done to him, and let his fingertips curl into his palm as the familiar feeling of hate became whole again.

He remembered how Sarutobi tried to stifle his anger, how Sakura used to mock and humiliate him. He remembered Sasuke, who for the longest time, Naruto absolutely despised. His jaw locked at the memory, fingers curling into his palms. He tried to remember it, how awful everyone was to him, how they hurt him, and how he could never, not once in his lifetime, forgive Konohagakure for its transgressions.

His breathing became labored, and his chest, once numb with feeling, returned to the fiery pit of rage he knew so well.

He narrowed his eyes at her, swallowing a lump that might have been fear, and stepped forward until they were inches from each other.

She didn't deserve a name, a title, or those children.

She didn't deserve anyone.

"Why did you do it?" He asked.

He wanted to hurt her the same way she hurt him.

His neck was slick with sweat, hands furled over the dolphin so tight the seams might rip. Even so, he trembled. Because this woman was a monster who started everything, made him want to rip the world into pieces so small it could never be put together again.

This woman. No, this _monster_ , was the first to turn him into who he was today.

"Do what?

_Hurt me._

And the kids, and this building, and everyone who had, or ever will, enter this orphanage.

"Treat the kids like this." He gestured towards the hall, and of course, she knew exactly what he was talking about. It was impossible for her not to because even a mole could see something wrong with everything that happened in this building.

Carelady narrowed her eyes and scoffed. She turned her head away and moved to shut the door, but Naruto thrust his arm out and kept it open. There wasn't much she could do about it, either. He knew how to take care of himself, and even though he was no longer a ninja, Sasuke still asked him to work out or spar with him.

She was the helpless one here, because Naruto could hurt her so easily and she couldn't do a thing about it.

"Why did you hurt me?" He said.

He wanted an answer. An honest, godforsaken answer for why she did it. Whether it was because of Kyuubi or if he broke some rule that he didn't know existed. He just needed _something_ to understand why it happened to him. Why _anything_ happened to him.

Why everyone always wanted to hurt him.

_Except Sasuke. Sasuke's safe._

And Tsunade. Tsunade was nice enough. They weren't close, but she did give good advice on the rare occasion Naruto confided in her. He knew that Sasuke talked to her about him—he was always honest about that—so she already had enough information to understand that something was wrong with him.

"Isn't it obvious?" Her eyes were so dilated it seemed the pupils might burst. "You were a bad kid. Always disobeying me."

Naruto clenched his teeth hard enough it felt like they might shatter, and in a move that he barely noticed until it was too late, he grabbed her wrist, curling his hands around the bony flesh, digging his nails into the skin.

It would bruise her, and he didn't care.

He wanted to use Kyuubi's chakra so that his nails could become claws, and then he'd rip her throat until there was nothing left of it.

"But I never disobeyed you. Not once. I did everything you ever asked."

He cleaned the entire building, went to his room when told, stayed away from the other children, shut his mouth, and never did anything that would upset her.

He was the perfect child. He did everything she asked until the day Sarutobi took him away.

And she gasped as he tightened his grip, as if it was unbelievable that someone would dare hurt her. As if she never thought one of the kids she abused would retaliate against her someday.

Her eyes darted from his hand to Naruto, and a sense of power overwhelmed him. She couldn't do a damn thing against him. Not now, and not ever again. So he bathed in the fear in her face, wallowed in it, _adored_ it. She desperately wanted him to let go. But why would he when she refused to let go when he was a child? Why should he spare someone who was so culpable of hurting him, along with hundreds of other children who lived here?

Why would she deserve mercy when Naruto never got any?

His chest heaved with his labored breathing, and his head was lighter, more dizzy than usual. At the back of his mind, he remembered that he did not like hurting people. Hated it with a passion, and had even quit as a ninja because of it.

But he could make an exception for Carelady, couldn't he?

He _should_ make an exception. She deserved to be treated the same way she treated everyone else.

"Let go of me." She said, yanking her wrist in a fruitless attempt to escape.

He didn't budge, but instead clutched her harder.

She deserved this so much it blinded him.

"The Hokage won't tolerate the kind of care you give these kids." He said. "She wouldn't—she'd have your head for it."

And it wasn't just his head. His body felt lighter, different, and he was anxious to know what else she deserved. A bruised wrist, yes, but that wasn't enough. Naruto sustained far more than one bruised wrist. And so did the other kids. They—they were still living here, still struggling and hurting.

They deserved so much better than this.

"Naruto, I swear, if you don't—"

He swung his fist at her face, watching as she stumbled back until she was on the floor. Blood seeped out of her lip. It would swell, that he knew for certain. And for the first time in his life, he wasn't powerless against her. He didn't have to think about all those fragmented memories of her hurting him, because right now, it was _him_ hurting _her_.

"The fuck is with you?" She said, attempting to crawl into a stand. Naruto stomped on her hand before she could get up, and when she glanced up to look at him, he didn't see the older woman who tortured the kids currently residing here. No. He saw the younger caretaker who beat him.

Naruto curled his lips. It wasn't a mistake to come in. For once, that voice was right, and his trembling body was wrong. Because now Naruto didn't have to be afraid of her. Now that he'd seen her, hurt her back, he could live his life knowing those fragmented memories couldn't become real again. Couldn't happen again.

Because she was weak.

"Naruto, this isn't—"

There was a kunai in his boot. The cold edge of a hilt caressed his ankle, and he felt the rough edge of its holster under his sock. Was it worth using now? Carelady never stabbed him, never used a blade on him. If he took it out and did anything to her, he wouldn't be doing what she did to him. He'd be doing something completely different.

And it was a gift from Sasuke, too, one he was only supposed to use if he ran into trouble.

Would this count as trouble? Even though Naruto sought it out? Even though Carelady was completely helpless?

**Do it.**

The voice was a low rumble, familiar, and Naruto breathed a sigh. It had been so long since he heard Kyuubi's voice that for a while, he thought Kyuubi might have left. Maybe found another vessel to carry him. It figured he'd come back when Naruto was contemplating hurting another person.

**Kill her.**

And maybe he should.

It would put an end to all the other kids suffering. It would make sure Naruto knew that she could never hurt him, or anyone else, again

**End her.**

His foot was still on Carelady's hand. Her eyes were watery, cheeks awash with tears that never ended. But not a sound escaped her throat.

He kneeled down on one knee and slipped his hand into his boot. The hilt of the kunai was thin, cold, and he released it from the holster as he pulled it out. Naruto always thought it was ridiculous that Sasuke wanted him to carry it around. But he brought it anyways because it made Sasuke feel better on the rare occasion that Naruto left his apartment.

Now, he was grateful to Sasuke, because the kunai finally had a use.

And in many ways, Naruto was more like a ninja now than he ever was before. With Sasuke being so insistent that he learned how to defend himself properly, Naruto had taken to training in a way that he hadn't before.

Sometimes he wondered if he should be a ninja again. Tsunade wouldn't make him work with Sakura—not like Sarutobi did—and it would make paying the bills easier.

But even so, he never said anything that could get his job back. Leaving was the best decision. What if he regretted going back?

Carelady's eyes widened upon seeing the kunai. Her face drained of all color and horror reflected in her eyes, and she was midway through speaking when Naruto pressed the tip to her throat.

Naruto cocked his head. He didn't dig deep enough to hurt her. No. He wasn't sure he wanted to do this, because Naruto didn't hurt people like this. Even the ones who deserved it, because if he did, there would be no one left in this village.

But maybe—maybe Carelady was the exception. She was the first to hurt him, the one who started it all. Didn't a person like that deserve to die?

"Please…" Carelady said, voice raw. Naruto ground his teeth together. He said please too, back when he was a child. He begged her to stop, and even as he cried when she dragged him by the hair, she never released her hold.

"Naruto, I'm—"

She jerked forward, an involuntary shudder, as though she couldn't even feel the kunai pressing into her throat, and the blade dug so deep that it was halfway buried into her.

She gagged, tried to splutter words that were so gurgled no one could understand. Blood splattered over his face, the walls, the floor. Everything. Naruto gasped. The sticky feel of blood coated his skin, and her wretched gasp was so loud that it was deafening.

Her breathing was labored, chest heaving for a breath that struggled to come. The blood spilled over the floor in a thick pool of crimson, and he choked on his own throat as her breath slowly became nothing.

Dead. She was dead.

Naruto's stomach curled as he fell to his hands and knees. He felt it in his bones, the _wrongness_ of what he'd done. Naruto wasn't violent. He didn't _hurt_ people. And Sasuke—Sasuke would hate him for it. He loved the way Naruto refused to hurt another soul. If he found out… the lecture he would give him, and the punishment Tsunade would dish out. Murdering someone, killing them, even if she did deserve it…

It wasn't right.

Wasn't _him._

But why did she lean forward? Didn't she feel the blade on her throat?

The kunai clattered to the floor with a metallic clank. His arms shook so violently it was a wonder he could stay upright, and he slowly dragged his fingertips over the kunai.

It was covered in sickly, wet blood, so warm and thick. It was… it was awful, because Naruto had never killed someone before. Never took a life.

**She deserved it.**

Yes. Yes. That was true. She did deserve it, deserved worse. Carelady had gotten off easy compared to all the kids she'd tormented in these long years.

She deserved it.

He glanced around the room. His stuffed toy was sitting by the doorway, and he crawled over to it before clutching it to his chest. It was soft and warm and comforting. Not like Carelady. Not like _people_. No. His stuffed animal would never turn against him.

Water stung his eyes, and he looked down at the toy. It was caked in the blood from his arms and chest. He frowned. Blood stains were near impossible to get out. So perhaps he really _should_ stop dragging his stuffed animals around. People were always telling him to leave them at home or dump them in the trash. Maybe they were right, because now his stuffed toy was stained in Carelady's blood.

Even if the stain came out completely, Naruto could never get rid of the idea that this toy had her blood on it.

He held it closer to him, whispering a goodbye, because before the end of the night, he would have to get rid of it.

He tried to breath in, to relax, but all that came out was a shaky breath that suffocated him more than anything else that night.

Carelady's eyes were still open, skin pallid and pasty. Her hair was a crimson array of red.

He should get home, shower, and sleep all day tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is something I whipped up almost a month ago. I still can’t figure out how I managed to write it like this, but I am proud of it. It was supposed to be the sequel, and it could, potentially, still be that. But both me and my writing has changed drastically ever since my back was injured (I’m okay now. It took months, but it healed completely) and I just can’t feel the connection to this story that I used to have. I will always love this series, even if the first several chapters of Growing Up are rather poorly written. 
> 
> I just don’t think I can continue unless I somehow feel the connection to this story again, but I didn’t want to leave you guys hanging when this was just sitting in my documents. I do love the way I wrote it. I don’t know how I did it. It must of been one hell of a writing day. But I do love this chapter so, so much.


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